Ashtar Bulletin: No War ~ There Will Be Peace!

05 April 2013

"Greetings, Beloved Family! We understand that you have difficulty focusing on Peace, when the propaganda speaks to you constantly of war. Indeed, for those of you in certain parts of the World, you are in constant hearing that the bombs are pointing at you, and this is exactly what those of you in the United States of America are hearing in this moment. This sets up duality of the most heinous kind, for it is Truth that your Hearts call for Peace, even when the dark hats are sending you messages to focus upon its opposite.

"The answer we bring to you is, of course, to free yourselves from the propaganda messages. For it is the fear contained in them which can keep you from recognizing and living your Divine Golden Age Lifestyles, which is exactly what the dark hats are wanting. The Truth is, that they are now so disempowered that all they can do is to try to bring you down to their 3D level - they have not the means to enslave you by any other means.

"As we have stated many times, there will be no more wars, no weapons of mass destruction allowed to be set loose upon Planet Earth. Your Hearts have spoken, and the Galactic Federation has responded to you with its assurance that your desire for Peace on Earth will be honored, for it is you, Beloved Ones, who have decreed that this be so. This is your time to soar up and into the loving atmosphere of the Higher Dimensions, and your Ascension is assured!!!

 "All of those who would spoil your Peace are being contained, so that they cannot succeed with their goals. Therefore, we encourage you to turn away from their bombastic rhetoric, find the Peace within your selves, and shine forth your Lights of Love!  In this way, you will draw to you all of the ones who treasure the Lifestyle of Peace, and you shall soon all enjoy the many Blessings which come with it!

"Remember that we are in a most Sacred Partnership with you, and that with Love, Compassion, Forgiveness and Gratitude, we travel the Golden Path together! We honor and thank you for your participation in lighting up the World, and we invite you to join in joyful celebration of our success when next we gather!* Salut!

*Ashtar On The Road Teleconference, April 9, 2013

  

Given through Susan Leland, April 4, 2013.

©Ashtar On The Road Publications 2004-2013. All Rights Reserved.

http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/ashtar-bulletin-no-war-there-will-be-peace

Forget Lipitor and other statin drugs - The top 7 natural remedies to reduce cholesterol levels

The Rumor Mill News Reading Room 

Forget Lipitor and other statin drugs - The top 7 natural remedies to reduce cholesterol levels

Posted By: LilliHart
Date: Friday, 5-Apr-2013 15:42:05

Cholesterol is a natural byproduct of the liver and a necessary component of good health. Normal cholesterol is essential for cellular repair and development. It plays a critical role in the improvement of memory and learning, is the precursor to vitamin D production, and synthesizes sex hormones and natural steroids -- which control blood sugar, fluid balance and blood pressure. It helps to convert fats in the liver, and is a potent antioxidant acting to scavenge free radicals and reduce metabolic syndrome. Learn more:http://www.naturalnews.com/035653_statin_drugs_natural_remedies_cholesterol.html#ixzz2PcUfa5pa

Iraqi dinar - recently being said...

The Rumor Mill News Reading Room 

Iraqi dinar - recently being said...

Posted By: hobie [Send E-Mail]
Date: Saturday, 6-Apr-2013 04:11:48

Hi, Folks - Found at www.dinarguru.com : ===== 4-5-2013 Intel Guru TerryK ALOT GOING ON AND THAT INCLUDES THE RV. ALOT OF THINGS GOING ON BEHIND THE BIG PICTURE...ALL GOOD. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Found at dinarguru.com: ===== 4-5-2013 Intel Guru Okie_Oil_Man GOOD FRIDAY AFTERNOON AMERICA, SHIP'S AT SEA AND ALL OUR WORLD WIDE FRIENDS. WELL--EVEN THOUGH LAST FRIDAY WAS CALLED "GOOD FRIDAY" I PROPOSE THAT WE ALL CONSIDER THIS AS "GOOD FRIDAY". FROM THIS DAY FORWARD OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE--AND FOR THE BETTER. BE GLAD YOUR ALIVE IN THIS HISTORIC MOMENT THAT HAS NEVER OCCURED IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY. ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS CONCERN'S SHOULD BECOME HISTORY VERY SOON. THING'S LOOK'S VERY GOOD AS OF NOW. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4-5-2013 Intel Guru TerryK WHAT I WAS AND HAVE BEEN TOLD BLUE IS 24-72 HOURS. SOURCE TOLD ME THAT WE SHOULD BE AT THE BANK MONDAY.THAT THIS INDEED WAS PULLED WED NIGHT ABOUT 11PM AS I STATED YESTERDAY. 24-72 HOURS TAKES IT INTO SATURDAY NIGHT WITH SUNDAY FOREX AND AT THE BANK MONDAY MORNING. ANOTHER SOUCE CALLED THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING FOR SATURDAY COB [CLOSE OF BUSINESS].

IF YOU WANT REAL NEWS !

Subject: IF YOU WANT REAL NEWS !

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON WITH CORPORATIONS AND THE WEALTHY -->

http://therealnews.com/t2/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=31&Itemid=74&jumival=10017

NEIL KEENAN UPDATE: GLOBAL FINANCIAL ALERT by Drake

NEIL KEENAN UPDATE: GLOBAL FINANCIAL ALERT by Drake

NEIL KEENAN UPDATE: GLOBAL FINANCIAL ALERT – RACE AGAINST TIME TO PREVENT BANKSTERS’ PLAN TO TRIGGER MELTDOWN – FEAR OF KEENAN DRIVING CABAL PANIC

Posted on April 6, 2013by Jean

·         Central bankers secretly stockpiling gold through third parties in anticipation of euro collapse

·         Greek assets – even whole islands – being secretly sold off to pay troika

·         Check for $300 million signed by CEO of major bank is used to defraud global gold reserves

·         United Bank of Switzerland selling US dollars at 20% discount in preparation for collapse, while UBS bonds are discounted more than 30% in global trade, as banksters try to dump fast for cash now

·         Cyprus theft of savings accounts was test run, coming soon to a bank near you

·         How Neil Keenan and the Alliance intend to prevent oligarchy’s plan for financial chaos

by Michael Henry Dunn

JAKARTA, April 5, 2013:  Word has reached Neil Keenan here that the banking cabal’s fear and desperation are now moving into what may be a final phase.  They tried triggering World War III and that didn’t work. They thought they could depopulate the planet through designer diseases, and that didn’t work.  They thought they could escape to vast underground cities, and (thanks to off-planet allies) that can no longer work.  Facing exposure, humiliation, and prison (if they are lucky) they are now down to their last desperate throw: to create financial chaos by collapsing world currencies and pulling off a vast Cyprus-style theft of middle-class savings in the U.S.  As global forces line up behind Neil Keenan, the Alliance, the Qing Dynasty, and the imminent “Changing of the Guard” to reclaim control over the Global Collateral Accounts, the oligarchs are desperately stockpiling gold in the hope that they can once more dominate an impoverished humanity by surviving the chaos that they themselves plan to trigger.

Not going to happen – they made the mistake of stealing from Neil Keenan.

Clearly, there’s more to it than that, and this fight for freedom has been secretly waged by thousands of men and women for decades.  But it may well be that historians will look back at the moment when the hapless Daniele Del Bosco absconded with $144.4 billion in bonds entrusted to Keenan by the Dragon Family as the turning point that set the final wheels in motion to bring down Financial Tyranny. As Del Bosco attempted to launder the bonds through the Italian government, the U.N., the World Economic Forum, and the so-called Office of International Treasury Control, Keenan relentlessly pursued the unfolding evidence that led to the Trillion-Dollar Lawsuit and the creation of the Monaco Accords, which are now supported by more than 160 nations.  Information continues to flow into Keenan on a daily basis from multiple sources, as witnessed first-hand by this writer.

Forces are now in motion to prevent this final dark plan from succeeding.  The cabal’s desperation is palpable.  It’s every man for himself, as the once monolithic Illuminati becomes merely a pack of vicious thieves – which is all they ever were in fact – fleeing from the justice they thought they would never face.  Meanwhile, the pressure on them increases daily as the avenues of escape are closed off one by one.  And military, militia, and intelligence cooperation is poised to make the long-awaited final sweep of the cabal power structure.

The cabal’s strategy down through the ages has always been the same: “out of chaos, order.”  They create the chaos, and then impose an ever more oppressive “order,” in order to degrade free human beings into debt slaves.  They lived by their twisted version of The Golden Rule: ”he who has the gold makes the rules.”  They amassed the gold reserves now known as The Global Collateral Accounts on the pretext of removing the cause of war (while slaughtering millions in a series of gold-theft wars).  In a century-long struggle, they succeeded in subverting their greatest enemy – a free American republic – into the bankster-controlled U.S.A., Inc., via their secret ownership of the Federal Reserve System. They triggered the Great Depression so they could buy America for a song while outlawing private ownership of gold.  The final phase of their grand strategy called for their rulership over a post-Armageddon remnant of mankind.  These plans have now fallen apart, and their grand goal of ultimate dominion has been reduced to a desperate struggle for survival.

Agency sources confirmed to Keenan in a face-to-face meeting in Jakarta this week that the bankster sect is planning a counter-attack in the coming weeks, hoping to get their last moves in before Keenan and the Alliance take control of the Global Accounts.  The disarray in their ranks is evident from the following reports that high-level financial contacts have provided to Keenan in conversations witnessed by this writer in recent days:

·         Josef Ackerman of Deutschebank, and other European central bankers, have reportedly supervised secret stockpiling of gold through vast purchases through third and fourth party front men. These purchases of precious metals are paid for with euros that will soon be worthless.  Ackerman’s gold buyers are authorized to purchase as much as 10,000 metric tons per month – a staggering amount.

·         So-called “bail-outs” will be offered to struggling European nations – bail-outs comprised of the same baseless euros – charging usurious rates of eighteen to twenty percent.  The struggling nations will ultimately be unable to pay, and the bankers will come calling to claim national assets and sovereignty for a pittance. This is already happening, of course, in Greece, where parts of Greece itself are being sold off to foreign buyers, such as a large section of the idyllic Greek island of Corfu.  Our source stated that if the Greek people knew what was really going on, “there would be a revolution tomorrow.”  The Emir of Qatar has been making regular buying trips to Greece for the last three months.  It remains to be seen if there will be anything left of Greece for the Greeks.

·         The euro itself is doomed: as noted here before, the gold reserves backing the euro have been leased with counterfeit notes issued by Mario Draghi’s European Central Bank.  Neil Keenan has massive documentation of this fraud, and will be coming after the ECB and Draghi in short order.

·         Sources report that United Bank of Switzerland is now selling US dollars at 20% discount in preparation for collapse, while UBS bonds are discounted more than 30% in global trade, as banksters try to dump fast for quick cash.

·         Attempts to defraud the Global Accounts are becoming ever more brazen, as a $300 million dollar bank draft bearing the signature of the CEO of one of the world’s largest banks was reportedly used in an attempt to persuade banks to bypass the usual four to six week waiting period for verification of such funds, so that funds supposedly based in Global Account gold assets could be withdrawn within five days of deposit.  By the time the fraud would be revealed (our source stated), the funds – and the fraudsters – would be gone.  This is but one instance, we are told, of multiple such attempts to raid the global candy store before the new sheriff shuts down the racket.

·         Multiple high-level sources have told Neil Keenan: “everyone knows you’re coming – you’ve got them running scared.”

As recently reported by Drake Bailey, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is implementing Cyprus-style plans to seize bank accounts, and contents of safety deposit boxes, if any such are judged to be “of a contraband nature,” in the opinion of the agent.  This danger to ordinary Americans’ savings was confirmed to Neil Keenan in person this week by an intelligence community contact, who stated that DHS is planning to use mercenary forces comprised of foreign nationals to back this brazen destruction of the American middle class.  Pentagon and agency forces are lined up to defeat any such move, and it is expected that the vast American militia movement would immediately swing into action as well.  DHS is apparently one of the last lairs of cabal operatives, and should be a target of Alliance efforts in the coming days.  We hope and intend that violence will be avoided, but it may well be that the end game will be tough going.

The reason the control of the Global Accounts is so crucial at this critical turning point is simple: it is the cabal’s last available source of actual (as opposed to fiat) money.  Mercenaries don’t work for free.  Once the final agreements are signed, and Mr. Keenan and the Alliance take over management of the Accounts, the final framework for global financial reform will be in place.  This event is imminent.  Hard on the heels of the agreements, Keenan’s trillion-dollar lawsuit will be re-filed with final damning evidence in place, and the liens on the central banks will be re-imposed.  With this legal basis firmly established, other long-planned moves against the cabal will swiftly follow.

As the dust from this momentous Changing of the Guard settles, plans call for rapid implementation of emergency funds, eradication of phony debt, and careful development of humanitarian programs for the nations of the world.  These funds will not be distributed to governments or banks, but to foundations that serve the people, that stimulate national economies, rebuild infrastructure, implement free energy technologies (yes, they exist!), restore the environment, or provide health care and education.

It may well be asked by reasonable persons how it could possibly be that one man, Neil Keenan, could be so formidable and dangerous to the survival of a ruthless and murderous cabal, and avoid being killed by them.  Keenan has avoided mention of this topic in past posts, but I think it important that all those praying for his success should know that he has survived four such attempts in the last three years.  The protection around him has increased with each successive attempt, and Mr. Keenan himself inflicted heavy punishment on one assailant in Europe (the would-be assassin ended up in the hospital, while Keenan escaped with a scratch).  Attribute it to the luck of the Irish (though the Irish say that if it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all), or to the prayers of millions, or to the guardianship of intelligence community allies, or to the protective devas invoked for him in Indonesian ceremony, but the fact is that Neil Keenan now laughs at the thought of danger, and is confident of success.

Of course, Keenan pretty much laughs at danger in any case…or even relishes it.  This reporter witnessed Keenan’s blithe response to an apparent attack by a black-clad female assassin in a Jakarta shopping mall only days ago:

OK, folks, we know how serious all this is, but do you expect Neil Keenan to stop being Neil Keenan?  As may be expected, the would-be attacker not only got off scot free, but was given a generous tip!

From Jakarta, where we find something to laugh about even on dark days…..(but it’s spring, and the days are getting brighter, and longer – here’s hoping we’ll look back on this April in years to come as a turning point for us all).

Michael Henry Dunn

Drake | April 6, 2013 at 12:44 am | Categories: News | URL: http://wp.me/p2tRr3-Oa

EXCLUSIVE from WND

Military warned 'evangelicals' No. 1 threat

Christians targeted ahead of Muslim Brotherhood, al-Qaida, KKK

Published: 55 mins ago

Jack MinorAbout | Email | Archive

Jack Minor is a journalist and researcher who served in the United States Marine Corps under President Reagan. Also a former pastor, he has written hundreds of articles and been interviewed about his work on many TV and radio outlets.

• The World to Come™ TVWith David C. Pack—Analyzing World News—Explaining Bible Prophecy. worldtocome.com

295

Soldiers in the U.S. military have been told in a training briefing that evangelical Christians are the No. 1 extremist threat to America – ahead of groups like the Muslim Brotherhood, KKK, Nation of Islam, al-Qaida, Hamas and others.

“Men and women of faith who have served the Army faithfully for centuries shouldn’t be likened to those who have regularly threatened the peace and security of the United States,” said Col. (Ret.) Ron Crews, executive director of the Chaplain Alliance for Religious Liberty. “It is dishonorable for any U.S. military entity to allow this type of wrongheaded characterization. It also appears that some military entities are using definitions of ‘hate’ and ‘extreme’ from the lists of anti-Christian political organizations. That violates the apolitical stance appropriate for the military.”

The briefing, which was given to an Army reserve unit in Pennsylvania, came from a U.S. Army Reserve Equal Opportunity training brief titled “Extremism and Extremist Organizations.”
The material mentions neo-Nazis, the KKK and other white supremacist organizations. Pictures are shown on various slides of people in Klan attire and Nazi flags. The significance of gang tattoos, and racist acronyms and the significance of numbers were also discussed.
While the material on gangs and racist organizations is similar to what one might receive from a local police briefing on gang issues, after teaching on neo-Nazis in the military such as Timothy McVeigh, the material makes an amazing link.

A slide titled “Religious Extremism” lists multiple organizations such as the Muslim Brotherhood, al-Qaida, Hamas, the Nation of Islam, the Ku Klux Klan and the Christian Identity movement as examples of extremist groups.

However, the first group on the list is evangelical Christianity. Catholicism and ultra-orthodox Judaism are also on the list of religious extremist organizations.

See what Christian really is, in “Body of Divinity: The Sum and Substance of the Christian Religion.”
Following the briefing, one of the soldiers who attended the presentation and describes himself as an evangelical told the trainer he was offended at the material and asked for a copy of the briefing. After receiving a copy, he forwarded the material to Crews.

The material describes religious extremism as those having beliefs, attitudes, feelings or actions that are “far removed from the ordinary.” It then elaborates by saying that “every religion has some followers that believe that their beliefs, customs and traditions are the only ‘right way’ and that all others practicing their faith the ‘wrong way.’”

Crews said it is astounding that soldiers were taught that a key foundation of the Christian faith is now considered extreme and compared to those who want to implement Shariah law.
“The idea of salvation being exclusively through Christ is a key doctrine of the Christian faith,” Crews said. “It is amazing that the trainer felt they had the authority and right to list evangelical Christian, Catholics and orthodox Jews alongside groups like the Muslim Brotherhood.”


When pressed as to how evangelical Christians and Catholics are a danger to those serving in the military, the brief does not provide any examples. However, it does provide several examples of Muslim extremists in the military. Among them are:

• Navy petty officer Hassan Abujihad who emailed classified information to jihadists for possible attacks while serving on a destroyer.
• Ali Abdul Saoud Mohammed, who was an Army Special Forces instructor at the Special Ops Warfare School at Ft. Bragg while simultaneously being a trainer for al-Qaida and traveling overseas to fight with jihadists.
• Sgt Hasan Akbar, who killed two of his soldiers and injured 14 others at a military base in Kuwait when he threw four grenades into three tents where soldiers were sleeping. His reasoning was to prevent the killing of his fellow Muslims.
•  

Conspicuously missing was one Muslim Maj. Nidal Hasan, who opened fire on fellow soldiers at Ft. Hood while allegedly shouting “Allahu Akbar.” Hasan’s rampage left 13 dead and 30 injured.
The Army has gone to great lengths to minimize the Hasan attack, going so far as to call it simply a case of workplace violence, similar to when an employee gets into a fight with another co-worker.

The Army has doubled down on its decision by issuing a report to Congress claiming that recent legislation that would label the shootings a terrorist act in order to help survivors and victim’s families would jeopardize Hasan’s chances of receiving a fair trial.

“Passage of this legislation could directly and indirectly influence potential court-martial panel members, witnesses, or the chain of command, all of whom exercise a critical role under the Uniform Code of Military Justice,” the Army said. “Defense counsel will argue that Major Hasan cannot receive a fair trial because a branch of government has indirectly declared that Major Hasan is a terrorist – that he is criminally culpable.”

Crews said the major problem with the training brief is that it relies heavily on material provided by the Southern Poverty Law Center which has claimed that groups such as WND, the Family Research Council and other pro-family groups are hate groups and extremists.
“We’re concerned the use of the SPLC list is not isolated,” Crews said. “The Army should make sure its equal opportunity officers across the military do not fall prey and use this SPLC list that identifies Christian and conservative organizations as hate groups as the basis for their briefing.”

He went on to say that placing evangelical Christians first on the list of religious extremists speaks volumes about how the SPLC views Christianity compared to other religious groups.
“This is absolutely abhorrent to all those who identify themselves as evangelical Christians in this country,” Crews said. “We know other commands have used the SPLC list in briefing soldiers about hate crimes and hate groups, but this particular briefing is the most egregious in terms of blatantly identifying evangelical Christianity as the number one extremist group in the United States.”

The material claims the number of “hate groups, extremists and anti-government organizations” has increased because of the prospect of “4 more years under a black president who many on the far right view as an enemy to their country.”

It goes on to state the purpose of the training is the belief that this issue “may be an indication of internal issues all services will have to face.” It advised participants that extremist organizations are inconsistent with the Army’s goals, beliefs and values regarding equal opportunity.

According to Crews, the Army Chief of Chaplains office told the Chaplain Alliance the training was an isolated incident and would not happen again.

Crews said while he accepts the explanation, the Army needs to go further and publically apologize to all evangelical Christians, Catholics and orthodox Jews.

“We believe the soldiers who attended this briefing should receive another class with the corrected material and the instructor should present a public apology. Evangelical Christians, Catholics and Orthodox Jews should be given an apology for having their faith called into question as extremists similar to the Muslim Brotherhood.

“We don’t want this briefing to multiply. If it is truly an isolated incident then it should be stopped right now and the instructors should be warned not to teach this material again.”

Read more at http://www.wnd.com/2013/04/military-warned-evangelicals-no-1-threat/#xSY58E3gA4H3P4ri.99

US special forces veteran links General Petraeus to torture in Iraq - video trailer

http://chasvoice.blogspot.com/2013/03/us-special-forces-veteran-links-general.html

US special forces veteran links General Petraeus to torture in Iraq - video trailer

Posted by Charleston Voice

While the fund that supplied Patraeus with the slush funds to carry out his acts of terror is not revealed we'd place our money on the ESF or NED.

 A 15-month investigation by the Guardian and BBC Arabic reveals how US colonel James Steele, a veteran of American proxy wars in El Salvador and Nicaragua, played a key role in training and overseeing US-funded special police commandos who ran a network of torture centres in Iraq.

Another special forces veteran, retired Colonel James Coffman, worked with Steele and reported directly to General David Petraeus, who had been sent into Iraq to organise the Iraqi security services

• This is an edited version of a longer film. Watch our full-length film investigation about James Steele

RV Intel - OkieOilMan Friday afternoon

04/05/2013

[..okieoilman] GOOD FRIDAY AFTERNOON AMERICA, SHIP'S AT SEA AND ALL OUR WORLD WIDE FRIENDS. WELL--EVEN THOUGH LAST FRIDAY WAS CALLED "GOOD FRIDAY" I PROPOSE THAT WE ALL CONSIDER THIS AS "GOOD FRIDAY". TODAY IS THE DAY FOR US TO ALL BUILD ON OUR STRENGTH'S AND LET OUR WEAKNESS'S BE PAST HISTORY. ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS CONCERN'S SHOULD BECOME HISTORY VERY SOON.

WE ARE NOW ENTERING A "NEW DAWN" IN OUR LIVES AND SHOULD START PREPARING OURSELVES FOR THE TASK'S SET BEFORE US. EACH OF US HAS STRUGGLED IN THE PAST WITH DIFFICULTIES WITH HEALTH, FAMILY MATTER'S, FINANCE'S AND MANY OTHER THING'S THAT HAS HAD US LESS THAN OUR POTENTIAL COULD BE.

WE NEED TO BE LIKE THE EMPEROR AND PUT ON NEW CLOTHES. THE CLOTHES OF ENLIGHTMENT AND BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE. START A NEW MIND-SET TODAY PLANNING ON A NEW FUTURE RATHER THAN BEING FOCUSED ON THE PAST WHICH IS HISTORY THAT YOU CAN'T RE-WRITE. FROM THIS DAY FORWARD OUR LIVES ARE GOING TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE--AND FOR THE BETTER. BE GLAD YOUR ALIVE IN THIS HISTORIC MOMENT THAT HAS NEVER OCCURED IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY.
....

Music to put a smile on your face

TAKE A QUICK 4 MINUTE WORLD TOUR BY WAY OF SONG AND DANCE.  HERE IS AN EXCITING UNITING OF PEOPLE WITH MUSIC AND SONG FROM COUNTRIES EVERYWHERE: INDONESIA, PUERTO RICO, IRAN, SYRIA, ROME, SPAIN, AND ON AND ON AND ON...

    Asking God to bless you and the people you care about.  God is good...in all things.
 

Love in Christ... 

This is one of the best musicals passed on yet!

This is really a neat video.  Hard to believe the world is in such a mess when you see all these happy faces in so many different places....people are people wherever you go!   On a blue day, it will pick up your mood instantly. WELL, it did mine. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Pwe-pA6TaZk&feature=player_embedded

Special Places to Retire - Humor

Subject: Special Places to Retire

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2.. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language

makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and

construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Gotta $2 Bill?

THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND:

IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT!

Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!!

I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public.

The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

STORY: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and

not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'

Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'

Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.

He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'

Manager: 'No. A what?'

Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'

Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'

Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?

Server: 'I don't know.'

Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'

Server: 'Yeah.'

Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'

Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'

Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.

Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'

Server: 'What should I do?'

Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'

Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'

Manager: 'Just tell him.'

Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says,

'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'

Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'

Me: 'Why not?'

Manager: 'I think you know why.'

Me: 'No really, tell me why.'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'Excuse me?'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'What on earth for?'

Manager: 'Please, sir..'

Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'

Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'

Me: 'No.'

Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'

Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.

I have two people staring at me from the dining area,

and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'

Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.'

Guard: 'No kidding! What?'

Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'

Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he

has is a fifty.'

Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'

Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'

Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'

Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'

Me: 'Uh, no.'

Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'

Me: 'Why?'

Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say,

'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.

He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,

'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'

Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'

Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'

Guard: 'Yeah? '

Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns

on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink

and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what

happens when I try to buy stuff.

Just think... those two are of the age to be voting!!! 

NOW do you understand why and how Obama got a 2nd term?