A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United
States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister,
David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a
British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you
know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no
such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The
Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no
longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve
personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be
independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable
peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections
will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate
effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt
UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US
gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to
make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but
with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff
you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth
and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be
required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also
be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop
playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take
the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13.. You must tell us
who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent
(i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high
quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with
friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
