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EXPLAINS THE MALAYSIAN AIRLINER AND AMELIA EARHART 3:11
pm March 20, 2014
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Traveling Obama: A Brief Review of the Evidence
Listen:
Barack Obama has come unstuck in time. The evidence has been building for quite
a while, since at least 2009, when he was being blamed for the TARP bank
bailout program passed under George W. Bush. As his term progressed, it became
clear that Obama was also responsible for the collapse of the housing bubble in
2007-08 and the resulting Great Recession, as well as for the military debacles
in Iraq and Afghanistan. During the 2012 campaign, Mitt
Romney
and Paul
Ryan
blamed Obama for the closures of two different factories that were shuttered in
2008, before Barry’s inauguration. More recently, we have seen that his weak
position on Russia’s 2008 occupation of two republics in Georgia, while largely
indistinguishable from statements made by John McCain and George W. Bush, actually
gave Vladimir Putin the go-ahead to invade Crimea years later. And then, this
morning, when Barry Bamz was announcing new sanctions against Russia, Yr
Editrix heard him say “The Ukraine,” an antiquated phrasing that the President
has used before. And as she took to the chatcave to call for
Bamz to be INPEACHED, it all became clear to us: with all that time travelling,
Barry just has trouble remembering when he is. We fully expect this discovery to win
us both a Pulitzer and a Nobel in physics.
Let us just
explain a little further. As Henry Luce’s Time Magazine explains, “The Ukraine” was proper usage
only when it was a region within another country — once it gained its
independence, the proper name for the country was simply “Ukraine.” Considering
Obama’s varying usage, it only stands to reason that at certain moments, he has
returned from a visit to the past, where he had adopted the old-fashioned usage
so as not to stand out. Is this not the simplest explanation?
Related
video
It also
helps us make sense of other anomalies — for instance, his terrible
performance in
the first debate against Mitt Romney becomes far easier to understand if you
assume he knew he would be reelected anyway. It also explains his “57 states”
gaffe — clearly an embarrassing slip after returning from a trip to a future
America where Northern
Colorado,
and perhaps The
Californias,
or several other secession movements have become realities. Also, we have every
reason to think that in 2037, mom jeans will actually be quite fashionable.
Now, sure,
you may listen to this video of his announcement this morning and say, “Yo,
Trix, Obama does not say ‘the Ukraine’ in that clip once, and also my headline
was funnier.” To this we can only repeat what she said to us: “Dok, I was
watching it. HE SAID THE UKRAINE. I WATCHED HIM SAY IT.” And when challenged to
provide a timestamp or GTFO, she explained, “I do not have time to watch it all
again, DOK, BECAUSE I CANNOT TIME TRAVEL.”
We are not
going to argue with this, and besides, the lack of evidence proves nothing,
since it would be a simple matter for Timelord Obama to sneak back and
eliminate any evidence of his earlier slip, thus making those who caught the
gaffe doubt themselves, a trick straight out of the 2124 reprint of Saul
Alinsky’s Rules
for Radicals.
We rest our case.
Follow
Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Next week, he’ll live-tweet the Battle of
Gettysburg and the 2067 World Series
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