Tuesday, March 31, 2015
In a stunning breakthrough that’s sure to result in dozens of Nobel Prizes being awarded to somebody, scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider have discovered the elusive “Obama particle” by slamming the U.S. economy into a brick wall at 99.999% of the speed of a derivatives flash crash.
The collision produced an elaborate pattern of joblessness and wealth destruction which was captured and mapped by CERN scientists to create a statistical detection model that pinpointed the elusive Obama particle’s role in destroying everything it touches.
“We believe this Obama particle may be the fundamental destructive force behind anti-matter and dark matter all at once,” said one scientist who asked not to be named. “It seems to be capable of destroying everything it encounters.”
After their discovery, Obama particles were found buried under the government parliament building in Greece, where they are now believed to have contributed to the disappearance of Greek wealth into a parallel dimension. Obama particles have also been spotted at Goldman Sachs, IRS offices and even hiding in the ear canals of CNBC’s stock picking jester Jim Cramer, who seems especially skilled at destroying wealth with a degree of consistency that defies sheer randomness.
The search for the Obama particle is based on the fundamental laws of the universe which state that as the velocity of money approaches the speed of a fast-talking White House spokesperson, that money gains mass and gets heavier, causing it to fall out of the bottom of the Large Hadron Collider where it is collected by unpaid “science interns” holding out empty EBT cards. After those EBT cards are “recharged” with heavy money isotopes, they are redistributed to Obama supporters who use them to buy Tide laundry detergent, Oreo cookies and street meth, all of which are now available at your local Wal-Mart. (For the meth, you have to visit the Wal-Mart restroom.)
The Federal Reserve is reportedly very excited to get its hands on the elusive Obama particle in order to accelerate its economic destruction initiatives. “Until now, we’ve had to destroy the economy the old fashioned way by printing money,” said Janet Yellen. “Now, with the Obama particle, we can accomplish this without even trying!”
The most fascinating finding of the Obama particle, according to CERN scientists, is that at high enough energy levels, the particles coalesce to open a gateway to a dimension of evil-possessed demons, transporting them into our world to serve as California Senators.
It is not yet known how to send those demons back to their own world, but the search is on for another elusive particle called the “Rand Paul particle” which is believed might be able to halt the destruction of the Obama particle.
Unfortunately, all such particles may be rendered irrelevant by something far more ominous. It’s an underlying element of the universe that’s so destructive, scientists nicknamed it the “anti-God element” while warning that it should never be allowed to come into existence lest it destroy our entire world in an instant. The technical name for this anti-God element is the “Hillary Clinton particle” and echoes of it have been detected in Benghazi, Obamacare web servers and even on the body of the late Vince Foster. The Hillary Clinton particle can also reportedly invade email servers and wipe them clean… especially if such email servers contain evidence of treasonous criminal activity.
The ongoing search for the Hillary Clinton particle is being funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, which hopes to incorporate the particles into infertility injections that cause lifelong infertility among the general public in order to “save the planet” from cow farts. Meanwhile, the global elite are being treated with cutting-edge longevity breakthroughs so they can live forever, ruling the dead planet they have systematically destroyed.
Posted by Freewill at 11:51:00 PM