In
a stunning breakthrough that’s sure to result in dozens of Nobel Prizes
being awarded to somebody, scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collider
have discovered the elusive “Obama particle” by slamming the U.S.
economy into a brick wall at 99.999% of the speed of a derivatives flash
crash.
The collision produced an elaborate pattern
of joblessness and wealth destruction which was captured and mapped by
CERN scientists to create a statistical detection model that pinpointed
the elusive Obama particle’s role in destroying everything it touches.
“We believe this Obama particle may be the
fundamental destructive force behind anti-matter and dark matter all at
once,” said one scientist who asked not to be named. “It seems to be
capable of destroying everything it encounters.”
After their discovery, Obama particles were
found buried under the government parliament building in Greece, where
they are now believed to have contributed to the disappearance of Greek
wealth into a parallel dimension. Obama particles have also been spotted
at Goldman Sachs, IRS offices
and even hiding in the ear canals of CNBC’s stock picking jester Jim
Cramer, who seems especially skilled at destroying wealth with a degree
of consistency that defies sheer randomness.
The search for the Obama particle is based on
the fundamental laws of the universe which state that as the velocity of
money approaches the speed of a fast-talking White House spokesperson,
that money gains mass and gets heavier, causing it to fall out of the
bottom of the Large Hadron Collider where it is collected by unpaid
“science interns” holding out empty EBT cards. After those EBT cards are
“recharged” with heavy money isotopes, they are redistributed to Obama
supporters who use them to buy Tide laundry detergent,
Oreo cookies and street meth, all of which are now available at your
local Wal-Mart. (For the meth, you have to visit the Wal-Mart restroom.)
The Federal Reserve is reportedly very excited
to get its hands on the elusive Obama particle in order to accelerate
its economic destruction initiatives. “Until now, we’ve had to destroy
the economy the old fashioned way by printing money,” said Janet Yellen.
“Now, with the Obama particle, we can accomplish this without even
trying!”
The most fascinating finding of the Obama
particle, according to CERN scientists, is that at high enough energy
levels, the particles coalesce to open a gateway to a dimension of
evil-possessed demons, transporting them into our world to serve as
California Senators.
It is not yet known how to send those demons
back to their own world, but the search is on for another elusive
particle called the “Rand Paul particle” which is believed might be able
to halt the destruction of the Obama particle.
Unfortunately, all such particles may be
rendered irrelevant by something far more ominous. It’s an underlying
element of the universe that’s so destructive, scientists nicknamed it
the “anti-God element” while warning that it should never be allowed to
come into existence lest it destroy our entire world in an instant. The
technical name for this anti-God element is the “Hillary Clinton
particle” and echoes of it have been detected in Benghazi, Obamacare web
servers and even on the body of the late Vince Foster. The Hillary
Clinton particle can also reportedly invade email servers and wipe them
clean… especially if such email servers contain evidence of treasonous
criminal activity.
The ongoing search for the Hillary Clinton
particle is being funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation,
which hopes to incorporate the particles into infertility injections
that cause lifelong infertility among the general public in order to
“save the planet” from cow farts. Meanwhile, the global elite are being
treated with cutting-edge longevity breakthroughs so they can live
forever, ruling the dead planet they have systematically destroyed.
Go science!
1 comment:
AAAaahhhhhh
Good Job,,,this one funny,,,,more of these articles Freewill less fear mongering,,,,,
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