I was at a friends house when out of the blue I recieved a text, at
first I ignored it but then decided to give it a look. When I realized
who it was from I about hit the ceiling.
My daughter, after 19 years of not a single word contacted me.
The message was brief but stated she had been trying for 4 years to get
ahold of me through another means. I checked and sure enough there was
her e-mail.
We now have a very good relationship, we communicate every day in
one way or another, we talk in person at least once a week.
The very same week she contacted me I went to see her. She lives much closer than she had before. 400 miles versus 2000.
During our conversations she has relayed how her mother and
grandmother had been saying for years how nasty and bad a man I was ,
that is until her mother had a brain stem stroke. Then the ex changed
her tone and tune about me. Told her that “he’s not and never was a bad
man”. A close brush with death has a way of making motality a bit more
real for someone who has lied for most of their adult life.
My daughter said this to me” Dad what mom was saying about you just
didnt fit”. I had to ask my daughter if she remembered me doing anything
that her mother had accused me of doing. Her response was an immediate
“no”!!! I had to ask that question because my ex had been telling my
family members that I had molested my little girl. Of which had never
taken place.
My daughter then added “Dad what I remember about you is your
smile”. I knew my ex was sick in her mind , that was the only thing that
couldv’e possibly been.
A few years ago she had been diagnosed with clinical depression,
malignant hypertension, obesity, diabetes and probably many more
dibilitating things, mentaly and physically.
I had to get the truth to my daughter about the many lies she had
been told, one of them being that “he never paid one cent of child
support ” it was then that I handed my daughter a printout from the
child support agency showing all the money I had paid , even durring the
time that statement was made by my ex’s lawyer in court. I made sure
that the law firm who handled her case had a copy of that same printout.
I hand delivered that. Come to find out that the lawyer had died.
I then presented my daughter with all of the restraining orders
her mother had filed against me, and that even though she was 2000 miles
away they came like clock work. Those restraining orders prevented me
from sending gifts, cards, birthday presents, letters, phone calls, it
specifically stated “No Contact”.
This was not an easy thing to do because when i gave my son this
information he never responded and went into hiding believeing that I
was this monster of a lying father. I guess sometimes the truth is a
bitter pill to swallow, especially if it destroys the narrative and
reasons one holds onto a grudge. I was afraid my daughter would likewise
do as my son, but she hasn’t. She knows and has known the truth about
her mother for a very long time. I left thinking that there would be no
more problems because it was always said that I was the reason for my
ex’s bad attitudes and behaviors. So i thought she would never do to the
children what she did to me.
But as her deep seated mental problems were all hers, my leaving
didnt change anything with this one exception , life for my children got
a hell of a lot worse for them. And the ex made it a point to be just
that way.
My daughter told me about an incident between her mother and her
grandmother. She was returning home from school and when she got to her
home she heard yelling and screaming betwen her mother and grandmother.
when she got inside the door she saw her grandmother on the floor with a
bloodied nose. my daughter then saw my son come in the home grab a
kitchen knife and threatened to kill his mother with that knife. So the
dysfunction continued even after I was done and gone. My daughter now
has no contact with her mother who lives in a convelesent home, she has
no possesions to speak of and no home. The ex estranged from her mother,
son, daughter, and also her brother.
Karma is a bitch. I am a grandfather also of a one year old boy.
Alot has happened to my daughter that she has had to stuff all of her
emotions down about me. she told me how she would yell scream
and cry for her “Daddy” she wanted to see me but her mother refused to
allow any type of visitation, no calling, nothing. And this went on for
years. When I showed my daughter that she had been named in the
restraining orders after she became of age , she was p~~~ed off to no
end.
I explained everything to her and left nothing unexposed. Took a
big risk in doing just that afraid that she might turn and run away if i
had said something extremely offensive against her mother.
But instead of running, the things i have told her only confirmed
what she knew already and that is that her mother was and is bats~~~
crazy.
I told my daughter that I wasnt perfect and i had my issues, but
my responses to her mother was reactive and self preservation. I know
what made the difference in my daughters life was this one thing I did
before I left her mother. I left when my daughter was old enough to
understand that I really loved her, I showed her I did, I stood up to
her mother when her mother was abusive to her in my daughters presence.
I knew that her mother had shoved the wedge between our
relationship and tried to excise my daughter out of my life. I had hoped
that my kids would come around sometime in my life to get the answers
they needed. Unfortunately both of my children were and are the victims
of their mothers mental illnesses. My son i believe feels a great deal
of guilt over certain situations that took place. But i hold him no harm
, just like my daughter , he is not responsible for the excision his
mother did, and the means by which she chose to do just that. Now its
time to love on my baby girl into a healthy place within her mind and
person. And hopefully my son will come round so I can also give to him
the same kind of healing in his relationship with me. But as far as his
relationship with his mother well I am going to let him and my daughter
figure that out.
My fellow brothers who have been put through the custody
wringer with your children. Dont ever give up on them, they need you,
they want to understand you and love and be loved by you.
But hopefully it will not take as long as it did for my child to come to you for your love.
Sure it p~~~es me off that I have missed soo much of my daughters
life, but now the restraining orders are of no use , even though one is
still in effect until next year. I dont believe there will be anymore
and when that day comes and goes. I will no longer have my civil rights
stomped upon. !!
I have my daughter back in my life, I am now halfways healed
inside. All I need now is for my son to extend his olive branch and come
and listen to truth. There is nothing he need to ask forgiveness for,
it wasnt his fault for what his mother did !!!
