Electric Fence/Lawn Mower!! ----- Humor

If    you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should    read this.

The    language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without    cursing.

We have    the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about    burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never    happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of    the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply    had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and    drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you    have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the    back yard with my cheapo  6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is    broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the    charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to    throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to    unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running    lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.    Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a    picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood    still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the    front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower    ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &    Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at    one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece    of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical    impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same    time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels    emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind    of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and    BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were    minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like    exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point    I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My    hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a    farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of    shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just    kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground    rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river    bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and    take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I    remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run    rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big    lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest,    I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the    rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI    motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I    am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own    backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me    there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had    created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I    woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of    gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two    large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny    dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on    to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had    somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced    sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth    have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my    right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and    vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might    think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not    close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think    our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it    was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than    average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in    the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't    understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound    respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always    triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good    news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly    visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and    fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I    mow.