WHERE TO RETIRE AND MORE....

WHERE TO RETIRE AND MORE....

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona, where...                            1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.                      2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.                             3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.                             4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.                              5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.                              6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??                 OR               You can retire to California, where...                              1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.                            2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.                              3. You know how to eat an artichoke.                              4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.                          5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.                              6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.                      OR You can retire to New York City, where...                              1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.                             2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.                              3. You think Central Park is "nature."                             4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.                               5. You've worn out a car horn (if you have a car).                              6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.                   OR        You can retire to Minnesota, where...                               1. You only have three spices - salt, pepper, and ketchup.                      2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.                               3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.                            4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.                              5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.                6. The highest level of criticism is  "He is different, she is different, or it was different!                       OR You can retire to the Deep South, where...                              1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.                              2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.                              3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.                              4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.                               5. Everywhere is either "in yonder", "over yonder" or "out yonder".                   OR             You can retire to Colorado, where...                              1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.                              2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.                              3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.                  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.                 OR      You can retire to Wyoming, where...                1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.           2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor or cattle to cross the road.           3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.           4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"                            OR      Finally, you can retire to Florida, where...        1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.            2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.          3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.      4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.          5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

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HOT COFFEE and PRIME MINISTERS

I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her,

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"What special day is it in Canada tomorrow"?

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does 'Prime Minister Day' mean"?

I was waiting for something about the Trudeaus or Harper, etc.

She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister's Mansion and, if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

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Subject:   The Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.   The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, ‘Hey Doc, want to take a look at this'?

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine.   I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new…   So how come I make $40,000 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,500,000), when you and I are doing basically the same work?’

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running.”