“He
added, "that he had heard too much upon the subject of war, both
in this and some former discourses. There was another point, which a
little perplexed him at present. I had informed him, that some of our
crew left their country on account of being ruined by law; that I had
already explained the meaning of the word; but he was at a loss how
it should come to pass, that the law, which was intended for every
man's preservation, should be any man's ruin. Therefore he desired to
be further satisfied what I meant by law, and the dispensers thereof,
according to the present practice in my own country; because he
thought nature and reason were sufficient guides for a reasonable
animal, as we pretended to be, in showing us what he ought to do, and
what to avoid."
I
assured his honor, "that the law was a science in which I had
not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in vain,
upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I would give him
all the satisfaction I was able."
I
said, "there was a society of men among us, bred up from their
youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose,
that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.
To this society all the rest of the people are slaves.
For
example, if my neighbor has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to
prove that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another
to defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man
should be allowed to speak for himself. Now, in this case, I, who am
the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my lawyer,
being practiced almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is
quite out of his element when he would be an advocate for justice,
which is an unnatural office he always attempts with great
awkwardness, if not with ill-will.
The
second disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great
caution, or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred
by his brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law.
And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first
is, to gain over my adversary's lawyer with a double fee, who will
then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his
side.
The
second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust as he
can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary: and this, if it
be skillfully done, will certainly bespeak the favor of the bench.
Now
your honor is to know, that these judges are persons appointed to
decide all controversies of property, as well as for the trial of
criminals, and picked out from the most dexterous lawyers, who are
grown old or lazy; and having been biased all their lives against
truth and equity, lie under such a fatal necessity of favoring fraud,
perjury, and oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a
large bribe from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the
faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.
"It
is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done before,
may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to
record all the decisions formerly made against common justice, and
the general reason of mankind. These, under the name of precedents,
they produce as authorities to justify the most iniquitous opinions;
and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.
"In
pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the
cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all
circumstances which are not to the purpose. For instance, in the case
already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or title my
adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were red or black;
her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in be round or
square; whether she was milked at home or abroad; what diseases she
is subject to, and the like; after which they consult precedents,
adjourn the cause from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty
years, come to an issue.
"It
is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant and
jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein
all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply;
whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence of truth and
falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take thirty years to
decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for six generations
belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred miles off.
"In
the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the method
is much more short and commendable: the judge first sends to sound
the disposition of those in power, after which he can easily hang or
save a criminal, strictly preserving all due forms of law."
Here
my master interposing, said,
"it
was a pity, that creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities of
mind, as these lawyers, by the description I gave of them, must
certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be instructors of others
in wisdom and knowledge."
In
answer to which I assured his honor, "that in all points out of
their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant and stupid
generation among us, the most despicable in common conversation,
avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally disposed to
pervert the general reason of mankind in every other subject of
discourse as in that of their own profession."
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