Saturday, August 29, 2015

Weekly Chuckles

The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box
of condoms.
The girl burst out
laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
A man went to church
one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He
said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd
rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned
impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the
offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve took
their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they
explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good
health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when
the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed,
'for me?'

'Just take two,'
Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
One night, an
87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in
bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him
instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was
asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,' she began
coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could
A Doctor was addressing
a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our
stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds
of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and
softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'
Bob, a 70-year-old,
extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a
breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal
and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his
every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very
first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the
trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you
tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says,
'No, I told her I was 90.'
Groups of Americans
were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at
a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese
making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a
lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she
explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no
longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with
your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman
answered, 'They send us on bus tours.'


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